Here and Now

The  first house I ever owned was near Otterbein University in Westerville  on a brick-lined street: a sweet, 1940-something Cape Cod with  beautiful, original, hardwood floors.  The second story had a  sloped-ceiling and a custom, built-in book case ensconcing the stairs.   I put all my favorite things in that large, house-spanning, open  space; promising myself I would sit up there, and read, and play with my  cats, Zeus and Clio. It was the first room that I completed decorating  and unpacking.

All tolled, I bet I spent less than a week there  in the year I lived in the house. Really.  It felt too indulgent for  me--my "have to" list always trumped my "want to" list and relaxing in  that room was one of my biggest wants. What was I thinking? What I  wouldn't give now for an hour in that comfy chair, reading a book, and  feeling the sunlight sneak in through those tiny north- and south-facing  windows.

All tolled, I bet I spent less than a week there in the year I lived in the house.  Really.

All  my life, I have saved the best bite, the best moment, the  best...whatever for last.  Wanting to savor a moment, I often deny  myself to the point of no longer being able to enjoy whatever it was I  was putting off. A bite of a burger? Always my favorite part carefully  eaten around--the crusty, overdone parts; the bun, all devoured  first and filling me up when the best, juiciest, most-flavorful bites  got put off...for when I was already full.   A trip to London? I've  wanted to go there since I was 9.  Still waiting for a time to  go... Reading a book?  Grading, reading for class, creating--er,  REcreating lessons...all first.                                                                       DENIAL.                                                                                                                                        Why?

What am I afraid of?  Having what I want?   Some joke and say it is my Catholic upbringing...that guilty-pleasures  are aptly named.  Denial resulting in joylessness is dangerous dogma.