The Best Bite

My cousin, Mark, texted me to say Happy Birthday today. He mentioned his new apartment had a pool and should I want to come swim, I'd be welcome. I thought back to how my first Columbus apartment had a pool and work out center... neither of which I used enough. Why not? I don't have a good answer to that. In an earlier post “Here and Now”, I lamented how I like to save the best bite for last—how I delay gratification and often feel like I don’t “deserve” something. This is a bit of an extension of that. Though I have gotten better (much better) since I wrote that (because I wrote that?) but as I look forward to retirement, I find myself struggling again…

During the fall of 1994 I imagined myself at 54. I just started teaching and I thought 2024 would be my last year as an educator and now the State Teacher’s Retirement System says 2028 should be. I’m not disappointed (I was mad when I first heard it) and I get it—I have to keep contributing for there to be enough for others. That part is settled. And good.

The rest, though, is most definitely not. I watched Ed struggle last year with his first in retirement. Yes—he enjoyed sleeping in, taking care of the pets, reading voraciously, and picking up the groceries. But today, I questioned how he got over the “weight” of being an educator: “How do you get over the fact you are DAILY shaping others’ lives;  not just creating the assignments to get someone "there", but witnessing change and growth and accomplishment and joy?” DAILY… daily. That’s the real fix for me. It was for him, too. It’s NOT just a job, but a way of being. We are event planners. Storm seeds. Change makers. What will become of me when I walk out of my classroom for the last time? Where will all of my energy go? 

Ed makes fun now that every time I watch the news, read an article, experience something lifechanging, I have to turn it into a lesson or conversation with “the kids”. How will I learn to read and engage and enjoy for only myself? Will I still have “others” to share with? How? How much? 

We mused together that we will wait patiently for a light wind, a gentle portent that will whisper to us. To hear it, I imagine there will need to be some stillness—some intentional quiet. 

Over the past few months, I saw the presidential candidates get dragged over the coals for being “old”. This summer, I helped guide my mom at 78, through her open-heart surgery, rehab, and conversations about how to help dad through his worsening dementia. I have tuned into interviews with the likes of Mia Farrow who CHOOSES to still work at her age. I look at friends’ moms who are still employed: Maryann Richards, just over 80, still enjoying working at the Arms Museum in Youngstown. 

It’s funny to think about myself at 28 (in my head, I am still only 28) when I had plans to be created and executed. And now, just turning 54 today, and facing the downhill turn, I hope to be called into something new. How long will the next chapter be? It sure is fun to think about today on my birthday.

It is hard to be patient. It is just as fulfilling to still be able to dream.

And aiming to take the best bite FIRST this time around feels just so much better.